t|aRa
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Sneaky pests
IM DAMN PISSEDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. My cousin has been snooping around my room. This is not the first time. How do i know? Because 2 days ago, i bought a pack of gummi bears and i ate all the colours except red cos they're my favourite. Yesterday, i kept eating them cos they're really addictive and i realised that i had ate pretty much enough for the day, so i decided not to finish them. Just now, when i opened my goodies drawer, THERE WERE ONLY 2 FUCKING BEARS LEFT.
KNN think im so stupid dunno the difference between half a pack and 2 fucking pieces?!?!? Fuck..thats the last straw, im going to tell. And im damn scared when her friends come over they will snoop around my room, even try my clothes, maybe steal 1 or 2 cos i have so many i won't realise until i wanna wear it.
The first time, she came into my room, used my laptop because that time i hadnt put a password to log in to Windows. I did tell her if she needed to use, just tell me im fine. But i didnt expect she will use my laptop when i wasn't home. The worse part was that when i got home, my laptop was left on, and the browser still open on some web game. I was pretty angry cos my intention of letting her use my laptop is when she needs to do homework and the computer downstairs has a problem or something. When i came home, she was happily using the computer downstairs, and i know that her good friend came over that afternoon. So i have a feeling they used 1 computer each so that they could play against each other. I mean, it was obviously her who used it, when i asked her about it she had the cheek to tell me my baby cousin used it (my baby cousin was 2 then) like WTF, think im so stupid to believe that? Lie also dunno how to lie better. Not only from the game that i knew it was her, she logged into msn using her ID, and i used the "remember my id" option, so i saw it under the user logon list. Also, she used my laptop to check her email, i saw her id when i wanted to logon to hotmail (hotmail always retains the last username entered in the username field).
So anyway, tmr i am going to stick a piece of masking tape with my signature over it. Masking tape tears easily cos its really sticky and difficult to remove without tearing. So that way, even if she opens my cupboard, she cant possibly forge my signature (even if she does it will be damn obvious cos my handwriting is damn ugly & unique>> haha). On top of that, i will wind some kind of string around the knobs and tie a dead knot so the only way is to cut it. I know it sounds damn extreme but my things are worth a lot and who won't flip if you found out some of your things went missing?? I practically kept everything inside my cupboard including my shoes.
I will not take any risks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Yun: tagging is just too long...im probably gonna flood ur tagboard. so anyway these are my thoughts on the whole relationship
yeah, i am aware that i have the upperhand. as i mentioned, i know i do because he's really behaving like a girl, and somehow after an ardous journey in my previous relationship, i learnt alot and its helped me become more mature in the way i handle/see/play the role in a relationship. that puts him at a disadvantage partly because im his first serious girlfriend and im sure he's never had the "opportunity" to deal with such shit in a relationship so he obviously has less experience. as for me, whenever we quarrel, i somehow always have a clear mind and i know what i want to say, to some point i kind of manipulate the whole situation cos yeah i know what im saying (compared to someone to just shoots his mouth off randomly). you know what i mean? another reason is because i was almost like him in my previous relationship. hell, i was around 17-18 too and boy...when i think back, i sure was a nuisance.
i guess being able to handle such situations in a more mature manner is good for myself. but on the other hand, i don't know what damage it might do to the relationship. apart from the hanging up and the yelling, i can pretty much handle everything else in my way with much help from my clear mind. not that i would manipulate it in such a way that it becomes his fault, but rather put back the pieces together to show him where the conversation/situation had gone wrong. but somehow it'll always be him ending off with a statement that i cant retaliate like "ya la ya la you're always right, im always wrong" even though it doesnt even make sense. so all in all, what im trying to say is, having an upperhand will give him less confidence and make him feel like i am the one controlling the relationship. that is actually partly true because i am still guiding him in what being in a relationship is like. i mean come on, when we first got together, he had hardly any idea on what being in a relationship is like. the poor guy thought that quarrels in a relationship meant that the relationship was doomed?!?!? & other things which were such a one way street thing to him (i cant think of any examples).
anyway, everything is ok now. i made the first move to call him this evening, and everything was ok. i was quite worried that he would be angry with me not because of yesterday, but because i took so long to call back (the usual response in such a situation is: why now then you call? you dont care about me at all issit?) yeah, back to the root of the problem. when i called i just began to talk as though nothing happened just to hear the tone of his voice and surprisingly, he spoked as per normal, so yup, everything is ok now.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Im farking annoyed now. You know how irritating it is when you keep harping and counting down that we have 10 more days till we get back? I know you are damn free now and have nothing better to do than to watch stupid tv programs and talk shows until 5am, sleep till afternoon and complain about your back and how tired you are. I still have things to do so stop rubbing it in. You told me 3 times today that it is 10more days. I heard enough.
And you dare say i am insensitive when you are having exams? Which idiot thinks it is insensitive to say that i can't go out when you are having exams? Not that i cant go out, but becos you are the only person i will go out with and when you are having exams i don't go out, not even by myself. HUH?HUH?HUH??? READ THIS. IF I farking brag to you about my party escapades when YOU are having exams then THAT is being insensitive. CAN YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE???
You say whenever you call me when i am having exams i always get irritated cos im stressed. YA fair enough i know i am feisty during that period. You know yourself i study damn last minute so i am stressed and you always disturb me and call at the wrong time so obviously i get jumpy right? And you compare yourself and say when you are stressed when you're having exams and i call you never ever say or show thatyou are stressed. Then now suddenly you say when i call you i am also disturbing you. THINK AGAIN. EVERY FARKING TIME I DON'T CALL who goes Why you never call me? I am damn stressed now i need to talk to someone but you don't care about me at all, you don't love me Whos PMS alarm clock rings every 3 months and starts saying i quote: You don't love me, you don't give a shit about me at all Then now suddenly you say whenever i call you during exams i am disturbing you? Then when you kenna bang you say your favourite phrase Whatever lah, you're always right, im always wrong, i always say 1 thing then change my story (copying what i said last time). What the fark issit you want from me? Don't call say don't care, call say disturb. At least when you call and disturb me and i get irritated, i don't say things like if you don't call you don't care. And you say whenever i call i always talk about myself or other things but never bother to ask how is your day or how was your paper? Please...i believe in small talk like that only to people i am not familiar with. WHO in the world makes meaning out of How was your day or How was your paper? I seriously don't understand how this kind of mundane questions can make your day better. Its not as if you will tell me what happen. All you tell me is ok lor, same lah. After being together for long enough you regard these kind of things as important? I seriously don't see it your way to the point of it being funny.
I have trained you to be less dependent of phone calls and smses, because i don't believe in things like making it a habit to say I Love You everyday or Good night every night. You have made improvements on that so kudos to you. The part you are still not getting right is, why must every conversation begin with asking each other how their day was? Its like those people who go to a shop and the sales staff asks how are you or comment that the weather is nice and they actually reply them?? Like hello? Thats a way of saying Hi. You wanna reply to that fine, but theres no meaning in that, like i said just SMALL TALK. But then again, oh yah i forgot. You take every word so seriously that in this case, small talk = chatting or asking you how is your day = i care. I seriously think we are on different frequencies.
And then you compare yourself to my cat or Daph. Damn it, whenever i say i miss Tomtom and you are right beside or worse facing me, you actually tell me i can say i miss Tomtom how come i don't say i miss you??? You are right in my face and you want me to say i miss you? Do you think i am insane? Good gracious, i remember very clearly you said to me yourself that you don't feel as important to me as my cat. HELLO!???? My cat is part of my family. You dare to tell me that you are not as important as my family??? If one day you tell me i am more important than you family i think will honestly think twice about the relationship because FAMILY IS MORE IMPT DEN BF/GF. BF/GF can break up with you one day, but family will always be there for you. This is a CLEAR example of Blood is Thicker than Water. & Ya i talk to Daph often, about shopping, about you, about other stuff. You ask why i can't talk about the same things to you?? How can i talk about you to you and shopping to you when im sure you've heard enough. I am trying to be sensitive about not boring the hell out of you by refraining from associating you with my shopping habits. So what else is there to talk about other then asking you what you wanna do over the weekend, or tell you about what movies are good, or what i wanna cook for you this weekend. Is that not considered talking??? Seriously, everything i do doesn't seem to be up to your standards so why don't you tell me what you want because i always have to guess, if im wrong i get yelled at, or we start quarrelling and i learn the hard way. And for once, make some "executive decisions" as Karin said. Why issit that all the time i have to make small decisions like what to do, where to go, what to eat. Going with the flow is one thing, but a cant-be-bothered-to-think attitude is another.
Another thing. Double standards. Why issit that whenever we argue or quarrel and you say you don't wanna talk about it anymore then i have to stop? Then when you continue and i continue back you always accuse me of trying to pick a quarrel again? Fuck double standards ok. Doesn't mean that when you ask me to shut up i have to shut up. And i fucking hate it whenever i am not finished and you interrupt me, then when i ask you to let me finish you yell at me and say TALK LAH YOU SAY U HAVEN FINISH SO TALK NOW LAH. And then next thing you say i am picking a quarrel? You farking do that ALL THE TIME. When you feel like hanging up on the phone also you just hang up and i am not suppose to be affected. Then when i do that you farking scream at me, throw things in the house, kick and yell and go beserk like a farking mad man and start crying. Damn it what the hell are you?
I have been trying not to tell myself that i am not taking on the role as the guy and you as the clingy girlfriend, but the more i see it, the more i think i cannot deny the role im playing here.
Just to add to what Jem said on her latest blog entry. I agree that this world is full of shit. But thats only because the people are full of shit that makes this world full of shit.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Exorcisms and Demonic Possessions
The tags i just posted on Yuns blog made me write a short post about how afraid i am of movies about exorcism. The very first movie i watched about exorcism is of course the famous The Exorcist. What really scares me about that movie is the girls face, the colour of her skin, all the cuts she has on her body, her eyes and the freaking voice. THAT voice! I will never forget. I downloaded The Exorcist: The Beginning, recently, which is the prequel to The Exorcist. Again, the person who was possessed by the devil was a woman. seriously, its farking scary. The face, eyes and the voice. Very similar to the girls face in The Exorcist. After watching the prequel, i swore to myself that i will never ever watch any movie from this series. After watching, i couldnt sleep for a few days, i kept hallucinating that the eerie face will appear & glow in the dark and really scare the shit out of me until my soul will literally jump out of my body out of fright. Im serious, thats how scared i am. I don't know why, other horror movies don't creep me out at all, not even the original version of the famous horror movie back in the 80s called The Phantasm.
The reason why i am so afraid of movies of this nature is because these things are existent. There was a lady in my church who was possessed. She is christian, however, she does not have a strong faith. Her mother who is Taoist/Buddhist (im not sure) lived with her. She kept an array of idols on the altar in the living room. So anyway, whenever this lady attended church or home cell, she would always appear very restless. Incessant coughing, constant fidgeting. No one took notice. She would also fall sick very often for no apparant reason (1 of the members of our church is her doctor). I don't know how the entire situation became really bad, but what i heard was that my church pastor went to visit her at her place 1 day, and he felt very spooked out even before he went through the door. After that visit, the other elders were informed and they came to a conclusion that she was possessed. They also found out So, they performed an exorcism on her.
During the procedure, the pastor and elders laid their hands on her to pray. She then began to speak in Mandarin in a very low, coarse, male voice. Apparantly, the voice was very angry and it was cursing and swearing at them. Soon after, other signs appeared. She began to writhe on the floor like a snake, and her pupils kept changing from normal to all white. I cant remember the other details. After they successfully cast the spirit out of her, when came back to consciousness, she had no no recollection and no idea about anything that had happened during the manifestation. They also found out that the spirit came from one of the idols on the altar, which i will not specify in case some people get sensitive about this topic.
Well anyway, my parents told me about it quite long after the incident actually occured. Cos it was suppose to be confidential. My dad was still serving at church then, but during the period of the inciden he wasn't active, so he didn't get first hand info about it. And also, only those who had a really strong faith were alloweed to be present during the exorcism to help and pray, because if there is someone in the room who does not have a strong faith, the cast out spirit is very likely to manifest in that person. Woah...if that happens...oh my lord.......
Ok great, now i am creeped out again dammit. Anyway for those who are interested and have watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose, you can go watch The Exorcist: The Beginning too.